A Time Lapse

Well, I have neglected this blog for over a year now. A YEAR?! How does time fly by so quickly? It's so true that as you age, time goes faster and faster until you turn around & decades have flown by. I can't believe it's been 18 years since my mom died. I know that it's been this way for 6+ years already, but it's still hard to believe that she's been gone longer than I had her. Sometimes I wish that I could know how I would be different if I grew up with her & my dad. Or even how different I would be if I knew who my dad was. As I reread my last posting, I stumbled upon something I said, that I still hold true. As much as what happens to us/around us affects us, it also doesn't have to completely define who you are. I'd like to see how I'd be different, but then I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I'm coming to terms with that, & coming to accept the fact that, fundamentally, I can't change who I am or what I believe in. Those things would be the same regardless of what my life was like. That being said, there's still many things I need to work on. I'm hoping that as I enter my 30s, I can stop caring so much about what other people think, I can gain control over my thoughts & ruts I "think" myself into, & that I can truly start living my life, not letting fear dictate my decisions. Yes things are scary, does that mean they're going to kill you? NO. If something is scary does it mean that it will end badly? NO. It may be hard & it may hurt in the beginning, but good things can come out of any situation, even if it's just learning that you're stronger than you thought or how to rely on Jehovah instead of your own human thinking. These are the lessons I begin my 30s with, I can't wait to see what else I find out.

What am I grateful for today?

Hot tea.

My 8ft sliding glass door that I can look out & see the world.

Rain/clouds/the potential for snow(yes I love dreary days)

My bed(which I'm going to get in right now so I don't get sicker)

My relationship with Jehovah-without it, I don't know where I'd be.

ARGH

So-the purpose of this blog is to remember what I am grateful for. Right now, I am soaking in a pool of anger & hatred & just general ticked off. What am I grateful for right now? A good martini, the click of my knitting needles as I finish an oft promised hat, pearl onions, heated blanket & Parking Wars on Netflix. You see, Parking Wars is fulfilling a deep need I have to see people get what they deserve. Even better, on that show, people are getting what they deserve, I get to WATCH & it's LEGAL. Yes, it does ease the pain some. Otherwise I'm just angry. Angry because people are stupid. People who don't want to do something for no other reason than they don't want to deal with it. No matter that it might benefit someone else. People who have always played the martyr & the victim(redundant I know) & still feel that somehow, you are a bad friend. Even when you tried & gave what you had, there's no understanding from them that maybe, just maybe, you were broken too. Maybe you were trying to be a good friend, but you also were dealing with things larger than yourself. Maybe the world didn't revolve around them. Maybe you got upset & hurt feelings too, but you couldn't say anything because "they were more sensitive than you." I'm sorry that you had a hard childhood, I did too. I decided that it wasn't going to define me, that I was going to be my own person. I wasn't going to hide behind excuses. If you make decisions, you live with the consequences. Even if you made stupid decisions when you were young, you still have to live with it. Such is life. Deal. So I give up. Be who you are. I don't want to be part of it. You are not the person I thought you were, you gave up too easily. Especially on the one thing, the one & only thing that could actually help you. Make your life infinitely better. You gave up. Because it was too hard & "nobody liked you." Well you know what? Don't do it for other people. Do it for yourself. Do it for God. That's why you do it. That's how you keep going. Who cares if someone hurt your feelings? Have you really become that person who can't handle it if someone tells you the truth? You just don't want to hear it, because you know it's true. I'm done. It's over. Live your life & I hope to see you on the other side. This post is for you, you know who you are.